Saturday, February 28, 2015

The importance of a Live and Death Education in our #Western Culture

 Its about 730 on a Sunday morning and I want to tell you what dream wakes me up. Do not laugh, It is a dream !

I was in Yolanda Foster's house ( known for the Real Housewives of Berverly Hills ;) , in this fantastic wide open house facing the ocean and it was at nite and I glimpsed up from the hills 10 / 20 surfers highlighted through moonlight. They were waiting for the wave. Instantly  - this is the beauty of dreaming - I was brought among them, sitting on a board waiting for the wave too.  When it eventually came I caught it really bad and drowned under. I was fighting to get back above water but I did not have time to  do it because I woke up. 

I have this in-estimate Friend that lost a friend this week. 
I have this girl friend who grieves the death of her brother who passed away a year ago.
Another magic pearl! who lost his dad when he was too young. 
And there is still me who primary faced death at the age of 21.

Death is floating around during all her lives from the moment we were born and Amanda de Cadenet said something very true in a way that Western Culture lacks education to learn how to cope with Death. 

When I hear Khalida Brohi talking Honor Killing in Pakistan or Kakenya Ntayia talking sexual mutilations despite the obvious women conditions approach what I see is that Life does have a different value in other countries. Religions / Cultures in Africa, India or Asia shows different approach of life and I think there are a lot to learn there.  

In my opinion, we should, at younger ages, educate young people on the value of life. Not my intention to depress a younger generation no no no quiet the opposite make them stronger. Sharing the knowledge so that they do not have to get lost and endure pain like we did or for some still do. Most teenagers already deal with brisk feelings such as Love which is - in my opinion - the second most intense feeling ! Not because things are tough does not mean you cannot overcome them. 

This is a sensitive topic, how do you do that, what frequencies. I realize these days that I have a fire burning inside of me, a huge basket of energy not only physically but most spiritually. I want to use it to make a difference in my life (which is already much started!), in my family but as well in my community. 

Death is ok. 

I will try to go more into details in my next chapter. Why is death ok. Just leave me time. 

With love

Friday, February 20, 2015


I was been told very recently that beyond the cowardness of giving up there is Survival Instict, it is called Self Preservation. From far this is probably the most meaningful concept I was ever given to think of. Its something that never occur to me.
When I was in hospital struggling for my life, came a few times where I consciously decided to give up on me. Yall can imagine the pain I had to accept that modern medicine brought me back to life. I had been drowning so far somewhere in limbos.  
And this women said something that never ever crossed my mind, scientically proved that there is a surival instinct in every 'let go'.
Self-preservation is behavior that ensures the survival of an organism.[1] It is almost universal among living organisms.[citation needed] Pain and fear are parts of this mechanism. Pain motivates the individual to withdraw from damaging situations, to protect a damaged body part while it heals, and to avoid similar experiences in the future.[2] Most pain resolves promptly once the painful stimulus is removed and the body has healed, but sometimes pain persists despite removal of the stimulus and apparent healing of the body; and sometimes pain arises in the absence of any detectable stimulus, damage or disease.[3] Fear causes the organism to seek safety and may cause a release of adrenaline,[4][5] which has the effect of increased strength and heightened senses such as hearing, smell, and sight. Self-preservation may also be interpreted figuratively; in regard to the coping mechanisms one needs to prevent emotional trauma from distorting the mind (see: defence mechanism.)
Even the most simple of living organisms (for example, the single-celled bacteria) are typically under intense selective pressure to evolve a response to avoid a damaging environment, if such an environment exists. Organisms also evolve while adapting - even thriving - in a benign environment (for example, a marine sponge modifies its structure in response to current changes, in order to better absorb and process nutrients). Self-preservation is therefore an almost universal hallmark of life. However when introduced to a novel threat, many species will have a self-preservation response either too specialised, or not specialised enough, to cope with that particular threat.[citation needed] An example is the dodo, which evolved in the absence of natural predators and hence lacked an appropriate, general self-preservation response to heavy predation by humans and rats, showing no fear of them.

source wikipedia

Maybe not what you want to read here but my reaction when I read something like this, and to be honest I had to re-read it a couple times to really take the meaning of it, makes me cry out so so loud. My entire body rings the knell of death. I feel so sad that this happened to me. I feel pity for the young lady that had to experience such incredible pain.

I am not going to lie here, I will not be in peace with the idea today, neither tomorrow. I am a slow runner, ending up a race but never first.
I had life in me unconsciously when I decided to die counsciouly. Because in the darkest moment of my existence I still wanted to live. Lets meditate that.

Peace, Love ^^

Friday, February 13, 2015


Least I can say is that I am pretty active on most social apps these days ! I share music on Soundcloud, I tweet, my tumblr is the thing I care most about, this blog my spiritual space, I am balancing. 

This blog is known by family relatives, friends and I really do not feel comfortable with them reading my mind. Not that I have anything to hide but inner thoughts should remain so for your own sake. However, and this is the reason why I decide to write, I believe that sharing experience is one of the most precious gift that can be done. 

I am getting married ! I got engaged mid jan with long term partner in life. The one things I was ever sure about in this life is this man. The joy and balance he brings me. The knowledge. The hope. Saying that I am excited or happy to pick up a dress would be lying. I am sure of my commitment do not get me wrong but I have drown into so much pain in this life that 'Joy' remains a very sour idea. 

I am moving to London as well ! The things is that we have had a peaceful and magical time in Neuilly, it scares the hell out of me to just sweep it away like that. My heart whispers we should go. I will follow my heart then.

There is also that ridiculous habit that we have to just give a wrong dimension to people or to things. I overreacted to something and I am paying the consequences in a way that tears can be guessed though my heart. I have played and replayed a incredible number of times this song (on top). The pain she describes every girl can understand. 

Now to the question should we raise our boys and girls the same way I say with intimate conviction that yes! we should. Lets bring closer genders for the better. If we could make our girls a little stronger and our boys a little more sensitive we would, you know, gather genders.

Lets back up each other, its so hard anyway

With Love

Saturday, January 31, 2015

therapy is cool

Just wanted to come back with somethings that matter at the moment. Life is intense in many many ways, it will change drastically and life transitions, even positive, can be stressful. Writing always offers a supportive space to understand and explore these changes so I thought its a good reason the reappear. 

Despite all that is happening to me personally, first thing I want to write about is Grieving and the one that belongs to a friend who tragically lost her brother few months ago. I remember very well that birthday party where we all reunite at. I remember seeing her sitting apart, drowning and struggling to confront the world we where all, and hers. 

I have been there for so long, it just breaks my heart just thinking about it. Breaks my heart like you will read below ' I don’t think I will ever have the words to articulate the experience of my heart breaking. I thought I would hear the break, but grief is a silent intruder. She breaks the heart in a very muted way. Your heart goes from unbroken to broken in a second. And life is never the same.'

I have always wanted to be honest here, I just could not be any different anyway. Being honest and first with you is the greatest truth of life. It allows not only to be in peace but be able to.. oh yeah Kudos (from the Greek : Praise for exceptional achievement. Exceptional achievement. yes that is exactly my point.  

Rather than writing an essay myself and because I do not think I have the strengths and energy at present, I will let anyone who is unfairly grieving read something below. Hopefully it can help.


How to Deal with Grief and Harness Your Special Powers

How to Deal with Grief and Harness Your Special Powers

BY Christina Rasmussen

Whoever you are, I know you have been hurt in the past and you had to leave a part of you behind. I have too been bathed with tragedy and loss. But because of it I have experienced a magnificent life.
You see, grief is an inhuman experience, taking place in a human body. All of our bodies experience grief many times.
But our world would rather send people to the moon than help us transform our lives after grief: the one certain life experience we will have.
If you are reading this and you have experienced a broken heart please keep on reading. I will help you not only mend your heart but find new pieces to add to it.
My heart broke to pieces in July 21, 2006, when my beloved husband died at age 35. I don’t think I will ever have the words to articulate the experience of my heart breaking. I thought I would hear the break, but grief is a silent intruder. She breaks the heart in a very muted way. Your heart goes from unbroken to broken in a second. And life is never the same.
When he died, I was transported into a brand new world. I died along with him but I got to keep my body. I looked the same on the outside but everything changed on the inside. And that was the first time I experienced the duality of loss.
You see I studied grief in graduate school. I wrote my thesis on the stages of bereavement. But nothing could have prepared me for the gruesome part of grief.
Theory did not match reality. I was left alone to find my way back to reentry.
Everyone thought I was doing so well after the loss. I had a great corporate job, I took care of my kids and because of the lack of appetite I had even reached my perfect body weight. I looked better than ever.
I took on single motherhood, I worked day in and day out, I provided for my girls, and yes I became stronger. But it took me years to get back. Getting back to life should not take forever.
What nobody told me during those first years was that when we go through the unimaginable we can do the impossible. Nobody mentioned the special powers that you acquire when your heart tragically breaks. It took me three years to start using those special powers.
I am writing to you today because I do not want you to wait any longer to start loving and living again. I want to help you find the special portals that surround your life after loss and leap inside so you can get back to a full passionate life. But, be ready to surprise yourself. I surprised myself when I re-entered life after loss. Yes I was still scared, but that no longer stopped me. I stepped into actions that were so unlike the self prior to the loss. I may have even looked crazy from the outside sometimes. Not only did I fall in love again, but I created a brand new world of fresh beginnings and have helped thousands of people create a brand new life after loss.
I did that with these five simple steps:
Get Real.
Unfortunately without reflection and insight we cannot understand our loss. Without speaking the pain out loud and writing it out we cannot start over. So after you finish reading this blog, either call your best friend and ask her to record the words that will pour out or grab a journal and start writing without stopping until everything has come out.
Read your words after, or listen to the recording. You have to discover where you are in your grief today. Sometimes grief tricks us into believing that we are still in grief when we are actually not. What we are is stuck. Stuck in a place between two lives. You will actually get unstuck and feel a little bit of eagerness to connect again once you start telling yourself the truth. You will want to say things to yourself about what you need to do next. You will become your own best friend.
Plug in.
This step is about taking small steps towards the life that you want. However scared you are, worried or uncomfortable you feel…. you must start to plug in to the life you hope to have. I ask of you to take a very small step each day to experience a small part of the life that is waiting for you. For example change your hair, buy a new dress go to work a different way. Remember your identity has changed after your loss and you need to start looking the part of the new you. So plug in a little bit at a time and watch life shifting. The plug ins must happen in order for you to step outside of The Waiting Room: The place where we go to wait until we feel better. The Waiting Room becomes Life for so many people and they forget to get out. Don’t be one of those people who went to wait and forget to live again. Let’s open the door and plug in one small step at a time.
I always believed that words can change everything. Every word that you utter gives you a glimpse of the life that is coming ahead. If you say: I will never love again. Then you will never love again. If you say: Nobody wants to be with me then nobody will. This step is all about changing the words so your tomorrow will be different. Do not underestimate this step. It is one of the most powerful ones. You can plug in to the new life all you want but if you continue to tell yourself that life is unfair your plug ins will only lead you to an unfair life. Changing our grief words with life words is vital for our journey back.
One certain thing that takes place after loss is dramatic change. However when we change we actually cannot see it. Change does not show up at our door with a big announcement. Change is very subtle in many ways. It only becomes visible when we start speaking our truth and asking for what we want from the people around us. In this step you will have to renegotiate old relationships. Break up with old friends who no longer align with your life. Let the real you step out even if you think that the people in your life might disapprove. The only way you will discover who you are becoming is by asking for what you want every single day. Grief has given you big guts. Use them. Step out and let others get to know you all over again.
Now that you have told yourself the truth, dared to take action and changed your words, it is time to re-enter. Grief has made you one heck of a human being. Somehow the impossible has a different meaning for you now. Re-entry happens when your heart melts with the simple things of life.
Compassion becomes the primary emotion and it brings you closer to so many people. You feel more connected. And because of that you dare to take action to make your dreams come true. Most people who have left a mark in the world are people who have suffered great losses early on in their lives.
Please look at your broken heart from where I am sitting and you will see something so beautiful. Evolution takes place not when our hearts break, but when our hearts mend. Your heart is not meant to be broken forever.
You can start the mending process by taking action today.

Saturday, July 26, 2014

On Happiness

I actually attack the concept of happiness. The idea that—I don't mind people being happy—but the idea that everything we do is part of the pursuit of happiness seems to me a really dangerous idea and has led to a contemporary disease in Western society, which is fear of sadness. It's a really odd thing that we're now seeing people saying "write down three things that made you happy today before you go to sleep" and "cheer up" and "happiness is our birthright" and so on. We're kind of teaching our kids that happiness is the default position. It's rubbish. Wholeness is what we ought to be striving for and part of that is sadness, disappointment, frustration, failure; all of those things which make us who we are. Happiness and victory and fulfillment are nice little things that also happen to us, but they don't teach us much. Everyone says we grow through pain and then as soon as they experience pain they say, "Quick! Move on! Cheer up!" I'd like just for a year to have a moratorium on the word "happiness" and to replace it with the word "wholeness." Ask yourself, "Is this contributing to my wholeness?" and if you're having a bad day, it is.

Hugh MacKay, author of The Good Life 

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Going Through My Mind

Cant decide

Like the bed head

Like the shoe shape

Mapple syrup soaked

Good surf

When I see these pictures I wish I like camping. But I dont. 

Yum crab

When I check the weather for my beach weekend and see that it's going to be sunny


mad men

Just like


Kinda cool

kinda cool too

Nice hair cut